The Pink Tambourine Club is all about friendship. I can honestly say my friends were there with me every step of the way. And, I have no doubt they will continue to be by my side as I experience this next phase of the grieving process.  I’d like to share a bit of my journey with you. Maybe it will help you when you have a terminally ill loved one or perhaps my story will give you insight in how you might support a grieving friend.

I’m hoping to post a story about my journey each week for the next couple months.  I can’t make any guarantees, because I don’t know how productive or creative I’ll feel in the weeks to come.

My father was simply the best. Many people gathered together to celebrate his amazing life. He was a wise man and I shared some of the greatest lessons he taught me in this eulogy.

Thanks for all your support,

Christy Eichers
Founder, Pink Tambourine Club

My family and I have been absolutely overwhelmed by all the people who have been touched by Dad. Thank you all for being here with us to celebrate his life.  While we didn’t have as long as would have liked with him, we have the most amazing memories – it’s not the quantity of one’s life, it ‘s the quality of life.  And Dad lived a great life.

We all learned so much from him… I thought I’d use this time to share with you some “Great Life Lessons from Dad.”

Be a Gracious Host
Mom and Dad taught us to be hospitable. Open your doors, welcome people in, and always, always have enough food and beverages. Last Monday evening, when Dad was in the ICU, family and friends filled and spilled out of Dad’s room. Dad was pretty weak and it was a struggle to speak, but at one point he said,  “John Paul, have you met Brad?” He also said, “You guys should get them a beer.”  Mom was pleased he hadn’t lost his social graces.

Negotiate
Dad was a masterful negotiator.  I’m sure some of you in this room did not want to be on the other side of the table when he negotiated.  Lord knows Mom didn’t always want to be in the same room when he was negotiating.  I first remember seeing him in action when we took a family vacation to El Paso to visit Uncle Pat. We crossed the border and visited a market. When Annie and I found perfectly tooled leather purses, I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t buy them – he just walked away.  Before we left the market, Annie and I got our purses and Joel got his leather hat – AND Dad certainly didn’t pay the asking price, nor the second offer. I doubt he paid the third.

Last Fall Dad was hospitalized. He had started to lose a lot of strength and asked us to get him a lift chair for the living room.  Mom and I ran all over town and at our last stop, we finally found a chair that would be delivered the next day. I was so relieved to have found one I would have paid anything for it.  When the sales clerk walked away Mom quietly said, “Your Father would have negotiated something.” And when the clerk returned Mom said, “Is there anything you can do?  I can’t imagine we would need to pay the delivery fee.”  And, we didn’t.

Pitch In and Help Out – Work Hard
When Joel was in college, he returned each summer to work on one of Dad’s sewer crews.  Dad shared these words of wisdom with him “ Don’t wait to have someone tell you what to do – just pick up the shovel.  Even if it’s wrong, start working.  You don’t want to be the guy who backs up to the pay window on Friday.” I know this one took me a while to figure out, but it’s a good one to start when you are young.  So, grandkids, let me break this one down for you, “When you see a sink full of dishes, wash them. When the dishwasher is clean, unload it. And when your mom comes home with a car full of groceries, help her carry them in.

Be Practical
Dad was a very practical guy — he demonstrated his practicality when he selected his minor in college.  Dad was a business major with a minor in history. Why history? Because his big brother Curt was a history major and he had all the books Dad needed.

Get Your Priorities Right!
Shortly after I got my drivers license, Dad got a new truck. It was a warm spring day and I’m not sure why, but I was driving the truck.  I ran down to the Government Center to Xerox a bunch of copies for a 4-H project.  When I was driving home, I rolled all the windows down… I’m sure it had fancy automatic windows… and when I took my first turn out of the parking lot, the collated papers started to fly all over. As I reached over to grab them, I held onto the steering wheel and drove right into a parked car.

Dad’s car was equipped with a phone radio with an intercom and I called home. Mom came down and the cop came. While the cop was writing the report Dad called on the radio and when I answered, this is what he said over the intercom, “Are you ok?” I replied yes. Followed by, “Is anyone hurt?” I replied with no… and finally he asked, “Do you need me for anything?”  I said no. He said this before he hung up, “Ok then, I’ll see you at home.” The cop shook his head in disbelief, “I’ve never heard a Dad respond like that to a kid crashing a car.” It was his brand new truck and it just didn’t matter. Dad always said that vehicles are just there to get you from point a to point b — it doesn’t matter what you’re driving as long as you get there safely. The lesson: Care more about the cargo than the car!

Pay it Forward
Before the concept of “paying it forward” was trendy, Dad was living it. I’m sure many of you in this room experienced Dad’s generosity. Dad always drove a pick-up truck and was more than happy to loan it to you when you needed to move something big. He loved to fish and would share his catch with Mom’s friends. He stopped in to visit ailing friends, tended Babe’s garden when she was ill, and would even rescue your kids when you were at a Super Bowl game and they were home with a babysitter during a blizzard! He was the most loyal friend you could hope to have –- there for you at any time.

Take Care of Your Family
Dad always put his family first. As kids he worked hard and we didn’t want for anything. He and mom created wonderful memories with us. Throughout his life, he put family first.  In July we gathered as an extended family at the “Radisson on Madison” for our annual “Firecracker” party.  Dad worked hard to get ready for this party and made sure each party was filled with fond memories for all of us — the fish fry, pontoon rides, and of course the shooting off of the Potato Gun.  I know each great niece and nephew sat on dad’s lap to steer the pontoon and waited in line for a turn shooting the potato gun. He worked hard to create special memories for all of us. And we are so very blessed with all these amazing memories.

Last year, he planned a surprise 75th birthday party for Mom in Florida. He was in his element working his “to do” list to pull this off. Ann, Joel, and I were fortunate enough to fly down for this weekend of celebrations.  We all stayed together in a big house with Uncle Curt, Aunt Janet, Uncle Delt, and Aunt Helen.  I wish I could recall what I asked him, but I remember him saying, “A little brother gets to take care of his big brothers.”

The night we checked him into the ICU, the Doctor advised us to go home and get some sleep.  As we said good-bye to him, he struggled to say something to me. He had that awkward bi-pap machine covering his face.  After three tries, I finally understood him.  He said, “Take care of your Mom.” And Mom, I want you to know we will.  And I have no doubt everybody in this room is going to take good care of you for Dad.

I have many more lessons to share, but Mom told me to keep it short.  So I’ll end with a message to Dad:

Dad, we are going to miss you terribly. But please know the lessons you taught us will guide us throughout our lives and the precious memories you created will fill our hearts each day.  We could never say it enough when you were here, so I’d like to say it one more time… thank you for everything you did for us…. We are eternally grateful. And you truly are the best!

I asked some of my closest friends and drafted Super Bowl XL VIII.

The Event.  Would be collaborative not competitive. Free form where we meet to discuss and share ideas.

Storytelling about ordinary women doing extraordinary things. Non-contact. Focused on how to make the world a better place: ending world hunger, sex trafficking, and violence against women.

The Players. Would be multi-aged. Strong, talented, hard-working, passionate, focused, fair, cooperative, sharing the ball. Every player would matter and contribute. It’s the group hug, not the ego show-boating. It’s fair play, respect for opponents as worthy adversaries.

The Half-Time Show. Would be inspiring. A mix of living and dead icons of women who rocked the world of music (think the closing games of the Olympics, except not with the English theme but a history of women in music.) And please make me want to get up and dance!

The Ads.  Would celebrate amazing women in history. Short bios of successful women. A mix of serious and funny, athletes and innovators, social and environmental responsibility. They would feature service and non-profits too! Ads for teachers and nurses and CEOs and artists and adventurers. Let’s have fabulous women of all ages and cultures around the world, all kinds of beauty and fashion.

After reading the responses and sentiments from women/girls across the country, I understood that women were “not buying it,”  the Super Bowl itself.  Women wanted to know, “How many lives could be saved with each $3.7-3.8 million dollar 30-second commercial?” What problem could we be solving instead of “What caused the Blackout?” And instead of exploiting women in the ads and entertainment, what messages could we be delivering?

The Girl Effect.  As illustrated in bestseller Half the Sky, when women are in charge not only a family but a community rises. “Women invest 80 cents of every dollar into nutrition, medicine, and housing while men invest around 30 cents and are more likely to squander it on alcohol and other vices.”

The Girl Effect not only improves the lives of girls and women, but of boys and men.  When women’s SUPER powers are unleashed, nothing is impossible.

After learning about the Girl Effect last year, I was inspired to invent SUPERgirls Academy as a virtual and real space to unleash our SUPERgirl powers, change lives, and be our own hero.  If you’d like to learn more and be part of this movement, join me and other SUPERgirls of all ages on February 13^th for the workshop “What will you do with your SUPERgirl powers?”  http://supergirlpowers.eventbrite.com/#

It is a place to unite, empower, engage, inspire, change, and experience the Girl Effect within you and beyond.  And a space to wonder, “What if there was a SUPERgirls bowl next year?  What would that look like?”

Share your ideas and spread the Girl Effect right now!

Sources.
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1509802-super-bowl-2013-commercials-how-much-does-an-average-ad-cost 
http://www.forbes.com/sites/brycecovert/2013/02/04/super-bowl-ads-serve-up-sexism/
http://www.halftheskymovement.org/issues/economic-empowerment  

Coach Kristi has always known and felt the Girl Effect in her life.   However, as a teacher, school counselor, and principal the past 20 years, she experienced first-hand how girls and women shrink in a classroom, a community, and the world.  Something needed to be done.  So, Kristi Hemmer quit her SAFE job and started her own business coaching girls of all ages to bridge the gap between what girls believe and achieve.  In addition to coaching, she designs workshops for girls, creates eCourses, and is developing SUPERgirlsAcademy (coming Summer 2013).  Kristi is also writing a book on social entrepreneurship for young changemakers.  She lives a virtual life:  nine months around the world and returns to The States to attend her niece’s birthday party, watch her nephew wrestle, and catch up with all the people she loves.  You can learn more about her at www.kristihemmer.com and www.168coaching.com.

Good friends should be there through the hard times — and there isn’t a harder time that we can face other than the death of a loved one. Here are a few ways that you can be a better friend and can help your friend after the death of a loved one:

Be There
By simply acknowledging your friend’s loss and offering to be a shoulder to cry on, you will have done more than the majority of people will do. Start by simply expressing your sympathy for your friend’s loss, then ask if there is anything you can do to help. Send a card. Make a phone call. Stop by the house to lend an ear. However you do it, just make it clear that you are there for your friend.

Don’t Dismiss Feelings
Though you may want to try to make your friend feel better or to offer reassuring statements, it is important to be careful of what you say as you may unintentionally be dismissing your friend’s feelings. Avoid phrases like “It will be OK” or “He’s in a better place now.” Your friend may not be OK for a very long time, and that’s OK. Also, even if it is your belief and your friend’s belief that a lost loved in is in a better place, that knowledge won’t always mitigate grief.

It is best to focus on simply listening to your friend cry, vent, or even share happy memories. If you say anything, stick to simply validating your friend’s feelings.

Offer to be Helpful
There is much that needs to be handled when a loved one dies, and it may be too much for your grieving friend. You can offer to lend a hand by doing any number of things, including cooking meals, cleaning up the house, picking up friends or family members from the airport, caring for young children, or keeping track of sympathy notes and flowers. These small tasks can become overwhelming for a grieving friend, and offering to do them can give your friend the space to process feelings.

Do Something Enjoyable Together
You can help get your friend’s mind off things and to feel a little release by doing some enjoyable activities together, such as going for a nice walk or seeing a movie. Keep things simple. Going for a walk can be restorative — going to a dance club can be too much.

Be careful that you don’t try to push your friend to do something he or she doesn’t want to do. The key isn’t to make your friend forget about what’s happened or to just move on — it’s to offer a temporary reprieve.

Give Space
Everyone grieves differently. For some, the process may take a few months, but for others, it may take years. Some may cry uncontrollably, and others may soldier on passively without letting on how deeply they are affected. You need to give your friend the space to grieve in any way and for however long it takes. Don’t try to rush your friend through this process, and don’t make comments about how it’s time to move on. Just be there.

Being a good friend means being a friend in good times and bad. When a friend loses a loved one, it’s your job to do what you can to support him or her in any way you can. These steps will help you to be there for a friend who’s lost a loved one, but just remember that everyone grieves differently, and it’s simply your job to respond to the needs of your friend.

Guest Blogger Bio
Bridget Sandorford is a freelance writer and researcher for Culinaryschools.org, where recently she’s been researching sous chef roles. In her spare time, she enjoys biking, painting and working on her first cookbook.  In 2009 Bridget lost her Mother to pancreatic and liver cancer. Her own grieving process inspired her to share this post.

1.  Run a Race Together/Exercise Dates: Races have become parties – put a few on your calendar with running girlfriends! Not only are the clothing souvenirs awesome, but the after-party often includes live music, champagne toasts and free food! The best part is you can chat and catch up during the entire race, enjoy the scenery, fellowship and exercise together. Team Ortho races are outstanding, well-organized, fun, giveaway great race gear and medals with parties at the finish:  Team Ortho races

I’ve also met friends at yoga classes – it puts the date on my calendar and I look forward to it all week!  Who can you meet for exercise dates in 2013?

2. Help a Girlfriend: We moved in 2012 and one of my girlfriends blessed me by helping me pack up my kitchen. She even went over and above by loading all the boxes into her van,then unpacking it all in our new place!  We laughed, chatted and the time flew by! Such a generous act that makes me want to be on the hunt for opportunities to pay a gift of service forward to someone else.  Who of your girlfriends could use a random act of service in 2013?

3.  Serve on a Board together – One of my best friends travels extensively to Honduras leading medical ‘brigades’ (mission trips) of U.S. doctors and nurses who perform surgeries and provide basic medical care to the citizens of Honduras. She and her orthopedic surgeon husband built a surgery center on the Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos/Friends of the Orphans orphanage property, which raises, loves and educates over 500 children.

I learned early on in our friendship…in order to get time with her, I had to serve alongside her, which is an inspiring privilege. I hang around; hoping her goodness, faith and spirit to serve will rub off on me. We are on the Upper Midwest Regional Board for Friends of the Orphans together. Attending the board meetings and my volunteer work there takes on new meaning when I can see my dear friend at all of the events and meetings. Volunteering with girlfriends really gives you a double boost – serving a great cause and awesome connecting time!

4. Girlfriend Getaways: Make this a highlight of 2013 – plan a weekend away with your best friends. No schedule, no running kids, just fellowship and fun!  The anticipation and having such a fabulous trip to look forward to will bring the group joy for months! The trip will renew your soul and refill your emotional reserves, making you more grateful when you go home. Last summer, a girlfriend hosted a reunion at her cabin in Wisconsin and invited the women from our Bible study that met 25 years ago. All seven came from near and far including Chicago, San Francisco and Colorado! It was a weekend we’ll treasure forever! Check out a prior post about making a getaway weekend meaningful and fabulous:.

5. Host a Party: Organize a fun outing, event, happy hour, gathering, or a party for your girlfriends! In 2013, commit to planning something; maybe even make it an annual tradition. This year I hosted a Holiday Happy Hour and invited my girlfriends, business and nonprofit associates and it was a festive blast! I had several ‘mixers’ that facilitated them connecting and meeting each other. Women so easily find commonalities and ways to make meaningful connections – foster this for your pals through hosting an event this year.

Make 2013 stand out by intentionally investing time in cultivating your relationships with girlfriends. It will be an outstanding year!

Guest Blogger: Jami Pogue
Jami Pogue is a  Senior Search Consultant and Positive Psychology Practitioner helping organizations with leadership transitions, employee development and organizational transformation.  I love to blog about what helps me have a more ‘appreciative eye’ and being intentional about cultivating more happiness, joy, gratitude and positivity in my life.  I’m a huge fan of the Pink Tambourine Club because time with girlfriends does all of the above!

How about an intentional click or “like” for joy and kindness?  Looking for a quick and easy pick me up – I have “liked” some organizations and followed joy-focused people on twitter and Instagram.

My favorite is  “Life Vest Inside” when I go to the website I  immediately feel joyful.  Their work is devoted to the motto “Kindess, don’t just do it, live it”!  Besides their fabulous 5 minute video that highlights random acts of kindess – they share fun, uplifting stories of  every-day people, doing nice things for others.  You can also follow them on twitter. Or like them on Facebook.  Each day instead of an ad for laundry detergent, cowboy boots, or a “bearded beanie” you can get a link directly to kindness.

On twitter I found @shareawakening which tweets  quotes, meditations & blessings.  An inspirational, encouraging thought in 140 characters or less!

For quick giggles on instagram – I’ve found two: Aqua Cat and Cosmo the Dog.  I have no idea who these people are, or even where they live, but every day they take pictures of their cats and their dog and post them.  They are hilarious.  It takes me 2 minutes and I have a silly/cute image in my head that can make me smile all day.

So how do you take a few minutes to find joy, happiness and silliness during your days in front of the computer?  What are your favorite sites and tweeters?

The invitation came from a dear friend, Wendy Helgeson, who knew this would be right up my ally. I was excited and intrigued.

Throughout the night, I met some amazing women. Everybody I met showed up willing to share… not just the food and drink, but themselves. The enthusiasm and energy at this event were absolutely contagious.

The atmosphere was buzzing with women getting acquainted and reacquainted. It was no small task for our hostesses, Caren Dewar and Cecile Bedor, to quiet the crowd. They wanted to get our attention to pay homage to their dear friend, Carolyn. They shared a few words about how she started this tradition many years ago. A few times a year Carolyn would invite women from various walks of life and political views to simply gather together socially.

I took a moment to pause and reflect on being among so many engaging women. I never knew Carolyn Rodriguez, but she gave me a gift that evening. That night her legacy lived on when I learned the true value of gathering women together.

To take the time to be in the presence of other women is truly a gift. Have you gathered together with your girlfriends lately? This holiday season, give yourself a gift and invite your girlfriends over.

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That night I shared one of my favorite healthy snacks, Pumpkin Hummus. Click here to get the recipe.

I originally received this recipe from one of my very favorite places to volunteer, Open Arms. (Adapted from a recipe from The Old Farmer’s Almanac)

4 cloves garlic
1/4 cup fresh cilantro
1/4 cup lime juice
1/4 cup tahini
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 can (15-ounce) pumpkin
3 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. chili powder
1 whole chipotle pepper in adobo sauce
pumpkin seeds for garnish

1. Combine all ingredients except garnish in food processor and blend until smooth.
2. Transfer to bowl and cover.
3. Refrigerate over night.
4. Garnish with pumpkin seeds and drizzle with extra olive oil before serving. Serve with vegetables, crackers or plain tortilla chips.

Those of you who are not from Minnesota may not be familiar with the culinary masterpiece we Minnesotans call “hotdish.” Everywhere else in the world this food staple would be called a casserole, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It tastes just as good. However, I grew up calling it hotdish, so that’s what I will call it here.

Just about any baked concoction using ground beef and cream of mushroom soup can be considered a hotdish, but the Tater Tot Hotdish seems to be the “it” hotdish here in Minnesota. My recipe below is how my mom used to make this quintessential Minnesota hotdish.

This is an easy dish to make ahead a couple different ways and share it with a friend: you can assemble it, keep it chilled, and bring it to her to bake later, or you can go ahead and bake it and deliver it to her piping hot.

Diane’s Minnesota Tater Tot Hotdish
1 lb ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
2 ribs celery, chopped
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 can French cut green beans, drained
1 bag Tater Tots (32 oz)
Brown beef, onion, celery, and garlic and cook until the beef is browned and the onions and celery are softened. Stir in the soup, green beans, and salt and pepper. Put into a 9 x 13 baking dish and cover with a layer of tater tots. At this point, you can cover the pan in plastic wrap and keep it refrigerated until ready to bake. (This is the perfect time for the “traveling pan” to travel to a friend!) Bake uncovered at 350° for 30-45 minutes or until bubbling.

For step by step details and helpful tips and hints, visit Diane’s Food Blog.

Guest Blogger:
Diane Fluin is a Twin Cities based freelance writer/editor and a self-proclaimed foodie. Inspired and educated by television cooking shows, Food Talk podcasts, and reading cookbooks from cover to cover, Diane loves to be creative in the kitchen, experimenting with new recipes and techniques.

Diane was a food judge at the 2012 Uptown Art Fair’s first-ever Culinary Arts Competition, has taken first prize in all categories in the Eagan Market Fest fresh salsa contest, and recently had a recipe posted on the Dining and Wine page of the New York Times.

Geared toward both the less experienced home cook as well as the seasoned chef, Diane’s food blog tempts readers with interesting recipes, enticing photos, and step by step details that bring each recipe to life. Follow her culinary adventures on Diane’s Food Blog: www.dianesfoodblog.wordpress.com.

Diane Fluin
dianefluin@gmail.com
www.dianesfoodblog.wordpress.com
Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/dianefluin/recipes-from-diane-s-food-blog/
Twitter: diane_fluin

Lately research pertaining to what makes people happy has been released. Studies continue to show that materialism (i.e. material gifts) lead to a short lived “spike” in happiness while experiences lead to long term happiness.

Plus, you can always share the experience with girlfriends. One of the most lustrous attributes that can come from an experience gift is that it is a gift of time shared with friends.  Not to mention, the framed photographs on display to always remind you and your BFF of that “fabulous day” that the two of you shared. From sailing the crisp air in a hot air balloon, kayaking in the serenity of nature, giggling together on a city food and wine tour or covered from head to toe in clay from a pottery class.

With happiness in mind, think experience gifts next time you need a gift for one of your girlfriends. They are creative gifts that give the recipient a memory instead of another inanimate object that collects dust.

Cloud 9 Living makes giving an experience gift both fun and easy. Cloud 9 offers over 17,000 options in 43 regions that fit any personality type or adventure level.

Here are some popular experiences that would make a great gift for your girlfriend and will simultaneously provide a day of quality time together.

• City tours food, wine, or brewery tour
• Hot air balloon ride with a champagne toast
• A class- try cooking, art or photography
• Dinner or lunch cruise
• Spa day

Perhaps your friend needs to have her “inner adventurer” lured out. There are plenty of thrilling excursions like white water rafting, sky diving or zip lining. A day of adrenaline rushes will be talked about for years to come.

On a budget? Experience gifts can cost as little as $50 but also make great gifts given by an entire circle of friends. Have everyone chip in and get the whole gang together for a beer tour, cooking class, rafting trip, or dinner cruise and create a day that you and your girlfriends will never forget.

Wrap up happiness in a cute gift pack for your BFF’s next birthday and let Cloud 9 help you make a day with friends turn in to a favorite memory. Just like happiness can be gifted, all experience gifts offer dozens of photo ops to be framed forever.